She would have been happy enough to settle down into her bed and spend the day with her books. She didn’t smoke and seldom drank more than a glass of wine so she had few needs that were desperate enough to force her to venture out. She was out of coffee though. Even after she had nursed what she had left she was out and she needed it. She looked at the keys to the truck in her hand. It was a large heavy truck and she would drive slowly. She would be okay. She would get coffee and she would get donuts. She didn’t need the donuts, not the way she needed coffee. She just wanted them. She wanted the little machine made chocolate ones. She liked how they tasted when held in the coffee until the cake soaked through and was held in place by the waxy brown coating. Her feet sank into the mud with each step almost to her ankle. She pulled herself into the cab of the old Ford and as the diesel turned over she sat for a moment enjoying the heat at her feet and the sound of the large drops. I did not know it was a genre of its own. Amusing now, back then, I equated it with pornography.In my mind, Elodie was not the kind to enjoy pornography but she clearly did. There were the totemic signposts: her previous relationship, hints of her sexuality, the flat warming party, the wedding, the train.It all combined and challenged my black and white instinct: wild experiences with no strings attached, or monogamy and commitment. Make up on the lips or the eyes, never both.The connotations identical; I put those desires aside for Elodie: never both.Her caress roused me and I returned her wistful smile. She turned another page, its unread contents diminished. Promising to share it with me, it might reveal her deepest desires. And she would expect mine as a common currency… The clock ticked down.Today was her idea again.She shared what she wanted; I never did that.Today, she needed the confidence that I would not object. Today, she offered me a way out. I spent all.
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